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" One of the easiest ways to rekindle your romance is to act like you did way back when you were dating, says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "Divorce Busting." Try a pet name that you used in the early years of your relationship, or the simply more affectionate "Hon's" and "Babe's" that you may not have uttered in years.Spend a few moments jotting down your greatest hits from your years together—from the biggies, like your wedding day, to the smaller memories, like the song you played over and over on a camping trip one year.A new mindset Another theme that came up in almost every case was exhaustion, hopelessness and despair in first marriages that make change feel impossible.It's so much easier to reinvent yourself in a new relationship dynamic. It's exhausting, depressing and after so long can feel like (and be) impossible to make any inroads into change.

My progress from a weepy self-hating paralytically over-apologetic constantly worrying shy chick to a person who is quite the opposite is absolute testament to that, I believe. "The Road Less Traveled" — This book almost made me break down it hurt so much at times to read.But he knows lots and lots of people and, for whatever odd reason, people tell him a lot about themselves. What he said was this: The happiest couples he knows, like, actually happy together, are those in second marriages who really took the time to choose carefully the second time around; who used their first marriage as a wake-up call, a teaching moment (or decade or two). In a new relationship after a tough marriage, you get to rewrite all the rules.I started asking around, asking women in second-time-around relationships what made them better, or at least smarter. If you were passive or felt pushed around in your first marriage, you can start off, right from the beginning, in a new role.The dark wrongness now permeated everywhere in my life, and somewhere along the way I think I realized: If everything is wrong, then maybe nothing is. One quick contextual anecdote before I get to The List.This is when I first wholeheartedly gave the whole stupid embarrassing oeuvre of self-help a chance. My brain is totally different now and I know that I control my happiness — not anyone outside of myself. I dated a guy once who said, very concerned as he saw me poring through some of these books, "It's like one day you're into this self-help author and the next you're into another one. " I believe he was afraid that I was addicted to seeking, which I do think can be an actual problem (see: Scientology), when you don't trust your own self and intuition, but I also disagree with his thesis. "You Can Heal Your Life" and "You Can Heal Your Life: Workbook" — My favorite. I buy this book for people on the street sometimes.




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